I’m so sorry, Kiran
I can’t tell you how terrible I feel at having lashed out when my emotions were hurt
I write this now, though you may not read it, to apologize.
Nothing will change the cruel words I said, but please, realize they’re not true.
I know I may never see you again, and that is why I say this:
I hope you find a job in which you can learn and progress as a scientist— you are one of the most brilliant, hardworking people I know, and no one deserves it more than you. Continue to work hard, be diligent, always keep that passion for learning alive and it will take you further than you could ever imagine.
I hope you are able to continue your growth as a person, that you are able to connect with your parents and realize how much they love you, and how much you love them. I realize times come when we are angry at our parents, but remember they are as human as you and me
I hope someday you are able to climb out of your shell entirely and make someone truly happy— as happy as you made me. Despite our recent problems, you did make me happier than I could have ever imagined, and I loved you more than I could ever write. Keep trying, my dear, and don’t let the fears from the past burden you. You have suffered so much more than anyone ever should, but please love yourself enough to let go of that past hatred and anger and be the wonderful, loving man I know is there. Don’t be afraid to show affection, don’t be afraid to do little things, because they all show love. Don’t hold back for fear of being hurt— because you only hurt yourself by missing an opportunity.
I hope life shows you the kindness and love you deserve, I hope you find your dream job, I hope every day of the rest of your life is happy and filled with joy and new wonders, because you deserve that and so much more.
What I said in that moment my heart broke I should have never let pass my lips, what I wrote in anger I should have never thought, and I am sorry.
I’m so sorry for everything I have done—-
I never meant to use you, I realize now we both saw the situation as one using the other, and for that I am sorry
I’m sorry I had so many problems communicating— I did try, but I was afraid you would see me as a bother, and so I would bottle up my emotions. I’m sorry for those outbursts as well.
I am sorry I talked about you to your friends— I was foolish enough to believe I could treat you better or see things from your perspective if I asked for their advice because they know you so well, and I apologize and hope you can someday forgive my mistake.
I’m sorry I couldn’t see how much it took for you to make the steps you did— I wish you had told me, because I believed you were treating me as you treated all of your friends
I’m sorry about last night— I should have handled the situation with more grace, but in that moment I couldn’t think— all I could feel was my heart breaking when I saw you cry and I was selfish in that I could only feel for myself
I know you’ll be there if I need you, but when you said it, I realized I am forced to face a world without you and I felt so incredibly alone and heartbroken. I’m sorry for my cold exit— in that moment I wanted nothing more than to run back and ask you to forgive me, to not leave me, but that is too selfish of me.
There are so many things I want to apologize for, but I cannot write them all out
I’m sorry I was so selfish, and I’m sorry I didn’t realize how difficult moving out of your shell was for you. I hope someday you understand I didn’t act out of malice, but rather out of foolishness and inexperience.
I do hope we meet again someday, so that I may hear of your life and congratulate you on all of your hard work and well-earned achievements, for I know you’ll go far.
Congratulations ahead of time for your graduation from college, for finding job that suits you, for moving into your own apartment, for your first dog, for graduating graduate school with a Ph.D., Dr. Singh. Congratulations for your lab, congratulations on making your first million, on buying an upscale house, on starting your legacy, on getting married and having children. Congratulations on making all of your dreams a reality. You’ll make a wonderful scientist, someday, a wonderful author and a wonderful human being.
Remember, always, that the world is more full of wonders and kindness than we could ever see, and though times look grim, there is always someone there to help us up.
I must leave your life now, so that we may both heal, but I leave you with this:
Never despair, never feel down on yourself, never feel alone
On the days in which you feel depressed, look at the letters, all of them, that I wrote you and remember you are loved, remember how irreplaceable and unique you are to those around you.
Even if you do not see me, I will always wish you the best, and I will always love you. If you ever need someone to listen, if you ever need help or a shoulder to cry on, I’ll always be a call away.
I’ll miss you every day— I’ll miss all of the little things about you like how you comb your hair, the touch of your hand, your scent. I’ll miss everything we ever did together, all of the places we went, all of the things we saw, all of our laughs and embraces— even that time we danced around your room. I’ll miss waking up to a new day in your embrace, I’ll miss tangling myself around you to sleep. I’ll miss hearing about your days, I’ll having and holding you through good and bad. I’ll miss the sound of your voice, the sound of your laughter, the brilliance of your smile.
Despite what I said last night, I don’t regret meeting you, and I never will— because I was given the opportunity to truly love another unconditionally and because I was happy with you. You showed a broken girl how to love again, and if you could do that, I know you can do anything.
You are more loved than you realize, and you have so much more to offer than you could ever see. You made me happier than I could have ever dreamed with your smile, your laughter, your embraces, and for that I could never thank you enough
I love you, now and always
P.S. I apologize for yelling about the poster— but the truth is that because I bought it for you, in my heart it will always belong to you. I looked for it so long because I knew how much you liked it. I hope you accept it and are able to hang it up as inspiration to continue your work in science and a reminder of how far you can go.