Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes

I’m so sorry, Kiran

I can’t tell you how terrible I feel at having lashed out when my emotions were hurt

I write this now, though you may not read it, to apologize.

Nothing will change the cruel words I said, but please, realize they’re not true. 

I know I may never see you again, and that is why I say this:

I hope you find a job in which you can learn and progress as a scientist— you are one of the most brilliant, hardworking people I know, and no one deserves it more than you. Continue to work hard, be diligent, always keep that passion for learning alive and it will take you further than you could ever imagine. 

I hope you are able to continue your growth as a person, that you are able to connect with your parents and realize how much they love you, and how much you love them. I realize times come when we are angry at our parents, but remember they are as human as you and me

I hope someday you are able to climb out of your shell entirely and make someone truly happy— as happy as you made me. Despite our recent problems, you did make me happier than I could have ever imagined, and I loved you more than I could ever write. Keep trying, my dear, and don’t let the fears from the past burden you. You have suffered so much more than anyone ever should, but please love yourself enough to let go of that past hatred and anger and be the wonderful, loving man I know is there. Don’t be afraid to show affection, don’t be afraid to do little things, because they all show love. Don’t hold back for fear of being hurt— because you only hurt yourself by missing an opportunity. 

I hope life shows you the kindness and love you deserve, I hope you find your dream job, I hope every day of the rest of your life is happy and filled with joy and new wonders, because you deserve that and so much more. 

What I said in that moment my heart broke I should have never let pass my lips, what I wrote in anger I should have never thought, and I am sorry.

I’m so sorry for everything I have done—-

I never meant to use you, I realize now we both saw the situation as one using the other, and for that I am sorry

I’m sorry I had so many problems communicating— I did try, but I was afraid you would see me as a bother, and so I would bottle up my emotions. I’m sorry for those outbursts as well. 

I am sorry I talked about you to your friends— I was foolish enough to believe I could treat you better or see things from your perspective if I asked for their advice because they know you so well, and I apologize and hope you can someday forgive my mistake. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t see how much it took for you to make the steps you did— I wish you had told me, because I believed you were treating me as you treated all of your friends 

I’m sorry about last night— I should have handled the situation with more grace, but in that moment I couldn’t think— all I could feel was my heart breaking when I saw you cry and I was selfish in that I could only feel for myself

 I know you’ll be there if I need you, but when you said it, I realized I am forced to face a world without you and I felt so incredibly alone and heartbroken. I’m sorry for my cold exit— in that moment I wanted nothing more than to run back and ask you to forgive me, to not leave me, but that is too selfish of me.

There are so many things I want to apologize for, but I cannot write them all out 

I’m sorry I was so selfish, and I’m sorry I didn’t realize how difficult moving out of your shell was for you. I hope someday you understand I didn’t act out of malice, but rather out of foolishness and inexperience. 

I do hope we meet again someday, so that I may hear of your life and congratulate you on all of your hard work and well-earned achievements, for I know you’ll go far. 

Congratulations ahead of time for your graduation from college, for finding job that suits you, for moving into your own apartment, for your first dog, for graduating graduate school with a Ph.D., Dr. Singh. Congratulations for your lab, congratulations on making your first million, on buying an upscale house, on starting your legacy, on getting married and having children. Congratulations on making all of your dreams a reality. You’ll make a wonderful scientist, someday, a wonderful author and a wonderful human being. 

Remember, always, that the world is more full of wonders and kindness than we could ever see, and though times look grim, there is always someone there to help us up. 

I must leave your life now, so that we may both heal, but I leave you with this:

Never despair, never feel down on yourself, never feel alone

On the days in which you feel depressed, look at the letters, all of them, that I wrote you  and remember you are loved, remember how irreplaceable and unique you are to those around you. 

Even if you do not see me, I will always wish you the best, and I will always love you. If you ever need someone to listen, if you ever need help or a shoulder to cry on, I’ll always be a call away. 

I’ll miss you every day— I’ll miss all of the little things about you like how you comb your hair, the touch of your hand, your scent. I’ll miss everything we ever did together, all of the places we went, all of the things we saw, all of our laughs and embraces— even that time we danced around your room. I’ll miss waking up to a new day in your embrace, I’ll miss tangling myself around you to sleep. I’ll miss hearing about your days, I’ll having and holding you through good and bad. I’ll miss the sound of your voice, the  sound of your laughter, the brilliance of your smile. 

Despite what I said last night, I don’t regret meeting you, and I never will— because I was given the opportunity to truly love another unconditionally and because I was happy with you. You showed a broken girl how to love again, and if you could do that, I know you can do anything. 

You are more loved than you realize, and you have so much more to offer than you could ever see. You made me happier than I could have ever dreamed with your smile, your laughter, your embraces, and for that I could never thank you enough

I love you, now and always

-Karen 

P.S. I apologize for yelling about the poster— but the truth is that because I bought it for you, in my heart it will always belong to you. I looked for it so long because I knew how much you liked it. I hope you accept it and are able to hang it up as inspiration to continue your work in science and a reminder of how far you can go. 

Dear me

Please give him the space he needs.

Look at everything he’s done for you when you continue to be a nuisance, and be thankful for the time he takes out of his day for you.

He’s busy, and you know that.

But oh, sweetheart, you make me so happy.

It’s in everything— the way we goof off, the way you smile, the way you hold my hand

I think of the word “cooties” and start giggling and feel so deliriously happy— because for a moment I think of you, and I can see that sly grin on your face and nothing could feel better.

There comes that guilt with the fact I feel I am so needy in always asking for one more hug, or one more kiss, or one more day, but the truth is that I am often afraid it is all a dream. 

The times you’ve said you loved me, I don’t think I can put into words.

I love how playful you are, how loving and caring you can be.

And I worry about you, sweetheart, not because I feel like you can’t take care of yourself, but because I want to make your life a little bit easier, your day a little more pleasant by helping in any way I can. 

You make me so happy, dear… but I can’t help but wonder, what do you think of me? 

It would be so much easier if you weren’t so patient with me.

“I’m a broken man and you’re trying to fix me, but it’s not going to work”

Oh, sweetheart, I wish I could have hidden how much those simple words hurt to hear.

I don’t want you to be anyone but who you are— I’ll love you regardless. I know who you are, I know what you’re like, and I love you for all of it. 

But through all of it, my greatest hope is that you will be happy— that you will look at the world with some optimism and realize how wonderful you truly are.

I’m not sure who has been telling you I love you besides Nick, but I am curious.

Curiouser, and curiouser.

I’m curious as to what you think of me, deep down, and how you see me.

I’m curious as to what you dreamed of me last night.

I’m curious as to who else has told you I am in love with you.

My only hope from those words is that I hope it will make you realize you are not second place to me, you are not a filler for anyone, and that you mean the world to me. I hope that by realizing other people see it, perhaps you will see that I do love you.

I shouldn’t have let my sadness show on my face, for it arises from my want to be around you.

I shouldn’t force you to spend so much time with me, for I realize how unjust it is of me to make such requests, but deep down, I know I try to spend so much time with you because every day your graduation is one step closer.

I look back and think of last year, of the beginning of this year, and feel disappointed in myself for not having given you a hug when I had the chance, or a kiss on the cheek, because it’s from those little moments that the world seems brighter and happier. 

That’s why I struggle to let you go in the mornings, because I want life to give me one more minute of your company, just one more, and because it seems that every time I blink time flies by, uncontrollable and cruel in leading us to that day in June when you will leave.

We have spent a lot of time together, haven’t we?

But if I could tell you how much joy that brought me, I still would not be able to encompass all of the emotion.

I love just talking to you, hearing your heartbeat.

I love looking through magazines and hearing your stories.

I love asking questions and having you answer all of them with patience and grace.

I love hearing your opinion of the world, your opinion of life.

but most of all I love it when you smile— because it melts my heart and gives me that renewed hope that you can be happy, someday, somewhere.

Goodnight, my sweet. I hope with the rising of the sun tomorrow you feel better. I hope you are able to complete your work. I hope you have a wonderful day. 

Smile, love, for the world is more full of wonder than either of us could ever understand. 

I put all of this energy and hope into being around you, into attempting to make your life easier, into giving you little things I hope will make your day a little brighter, but I need to know if they mean anything to you, if I mean anything more to you than a passing easy girl.

I love you more than I can write in this silly journal, for everything you are, for every moment we’ve spent in each other’s company.

I love watching you cook

I love the way you comb your hair

I love the way you look so handsomely disheveled when you awaken

I love the way you laugh, the way your smile brightens my world

I love the look of innocence on your countenance when you something mischievous, that perfectly innocent smile followed by a sly grin

I love your courage, your optimism and your curiosity

I love your arrogance, your stories, your manner

I love your sense of fashion, I love your silly moments, I love your seriousness in academics

I love your stern face, I love waking up next to you and hearing your soft breathing next to my ear

I love your lithe fingers, your graceful hand, your casual form

I love falling asleep to our laughter, I love laying down and reading and feeling your weight when you sit on me, I love the faces we make at each other, I love the way you are kind when I need you most and sweet when I feel sad

I am selfish, and so I also love the way you took care of me, the way you worry about me

I love eating with you, I love laughing with you, I love being around you

I love your teasing, your jokes and your sense of humor

I love so many things about you, sweetheart

I loved seeing that book in your desk, and its presence made me happier than I could have described

I love sitting next to you watching you play video games, where I incessantly ask foolish questions and you answer each and every one of them, I love watching television with you and flopping face down on the bed for the sheer fun of it

I love talking to you in any form—- on chat, on the phone, in person, because you soothe me in a way I cannot explain, and your presence makes me happy.

I apologize, my dear, if in our time together I latch onto you, but I seek that reassurance that it’s not a mere dream— that you are in fact spending time with me, of all people, I seek to forget that you must leave soon and that I can’t change that. That’s why I have become so clingy, my dear, because  I can’t help but realize time is so finite, because I feel like I’m not good enough for you in any sense of the word— in wit, intellect, riches, beauty or grace, because you know so much and have such a grand view of the world while I feel so boring and plain

a fish in love with the bird

and yet you mean so much to me

I never know what to think, sweetheart.

I want to believe all the hopes inside of me that tell me you’re trying harder every day, but there are those irrefutable moments I can’t shield my mind from those cobwebs that catch it, those shadows that frighten it. I have always been my greatest enemy. 

I sit here and plan you birthday surprise, and look forward to seeing you at the end of a long day, happy in my own little world in which you are not the center of my life, but you are a large part of it.

Oh, sweetie, I hope you had a good day, I hope you were able to be productive and study, and I hope your work goes well. 

I hope you have a good day, sweet pea. 

I would tell you, but I am often afraid I say it too much. 

I apologize for getting sad last night when you reminded me you have to leave.

Oh, sweetie, if only time were not set on tearing me away.

I have so much fun, every night. 

The laughing, the tickling, the childishness and seriousness of it all. 

Every part of it has made me deliriously happy—- so much so that I am often afraid I am dreaming. 

I was surprised you didn’t realize how much I trust you— but how I not, when every part of me loves you and loves being around you. I shouldn’t worry about you so, or coddle you when you are a full-grown man, but there is that part of me that wants to show you the kindness and love you have always deserved, but may not have gotten.

It is at night, during those times that we can laugh and be playful with one another that I feel happiest— because I feel you allow me to see the boy I am so head over heels in love with— that man who is funny, and witty and caring, who feels and thinks like everyone else, whose mere presence makes my day better. 

When you tell me about her, it doesn’t make me jealous, but it does make me resent her for her cruelty, for her stupidity and for her selfishness. How could she not treasure or treat well that which I love most? How could anyone be so stupid as to leave you for someone else? 

You are a diamond in the rough, sweetheart, if only you could see that. 

I hate myself for not having the words to help.

I saw your pain last night and I wanted to take it from your shoulders and carry it myself— I wanted to do anything that you could relax, that you could sleep and that your eyes would let go of such sadness.

You mean so, so much to me, my sweet, so much more than I can ever say, so much more than I can ever explain in simple words, and your sadness causes a knot in my heart because I want to reach out and ease your fears, chase away the shadows that haunt you.

It’s not fair— none of it’s fair— you deserve so much more, you deserve to be given employment, you deserve to be able to work towards the goals you’ve set for yourself.

I can’t get your voice out of my head, I can’t get that look of sheer disillusionment with the world out of my mind. 

I would do anything if I knew it would help you— but I’m afraid of being overbearing or seeming as if I pity you— because I don’t pity you—  you’re brilliant, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, and you make me so happy, but it’s the sorrow in your eyes that breaks my heart.

I keep looking for ways to help— coddling you, bringing you food, being as loving as I can be, but I’m afraid at any moment I’ll push you too hard and you’ll push me away for being overbearing.

Oh, my sweet, if only I could take you away from all the injustices you’ve endured

If only I could keep that smile on your face

If only I could bargain with life to treat you fairly

Because I love you so, and because I know you deserve an opportunity to do what you love to make the world a better place. 

Please hold on, sweet pea, I know things look grim, that life is hard and that it’s hard to look up when you feel like you’re drowning under a sea of injustices and impossibilities, but you’ll come through, and you’ll be stronger because of it.

Please don’t let life break the spirit in you, every day is a new day

Last night I awoke to the cold, and I rolled over looking for your warmth only to remember I was in my own room, and I sighed and looked at the ceiling while I waited to fall back to sleep.

You spoil me, sweetheart, and you make me so incredibly happy I can’t find the words to describe the joy in my heart. That joy of seeing you smile, of hearing your laugh, of seeing you happy, of feeling your arms around me when I give you a hug. I love being around you, even if just to watch you play a video game. I love being in the same room as you, if only to look up from my book to see you.

When you ask me why I love you, I want to say everything—- from your toes to your head, from your selfishness to your sweetness, from your serious expression to your heart-melting smile. I love you for who you are— that boy with a wonderful smile with the saddest eyes I have ever seen— that boy who is brilliant in all he does, the boy who smiles in his sleep, the boy whose laughter I adore and the boy without whom I cannot picture my life anymore.

It is as if you we were crafted from the same material, you and I. From our names, to our hopes and dreams, to our emotions, to the way we both type with punching, resonating clicks, to the way we both exist as old souls in new bodies. 

And when you smile, my sweet, it is as if the world couldn’t be brighter, as if I need nothing else— when you smile I want to bury myself in your chest to hear your laughter resonate through your chest, and to feel the gentle beat of your heart, to prove to myself that it’s not merely a dream. 

I wish there was a way for you to believe how much I love you— that I would never cheat on you— for no one else in the world brings me the happiness and feeling of fulfillment and joy you do.

You wonder why I’m so good to you, why I worry so much about you, but it’s all because I want to see you happy and loved— I want you to realize how much you mean to me— how much I wish I could do everything that makes you happy. And I wish you could see it is more than the sex—- which I love having with you for that deep feeling of intimacy it brings me—- that feeling that we are connected to one another, that feeling of joy that arises when I look up at you and see the look of bliss on your countenance. 

I wish you could see you mean the world to me, that for you I would do anything you ask. I wish I could collect the stars to give them all to you, I wish I could harness all of the joy in the world to present to you, I wish I could kiss all of the happiness of the world onto your forehead.

I had the most wonderful time this weekend— laughing with you, living life in a relaxed fashion. Getting to sleep next to you, and getting to open my eyes in the morning to see you there was the biggest gift life could have given me. Everything— from eating late night snacks, to watching television, to cuddling to doing laundry to running around in the cold was fascinating and happy experience for me. 

I sincerely hope I wasn’t too much of a distraction to you, but the fact you let me spend so much time near you truly made me happy. 

I only wish I could do the same for you.

I love you, sweetheart. 

Wonderful

every morning has been wonderful

I wish I could capture it all—- how happy I feel being near you, hearing you laugh, joking and playing with you.

While I enjoy our intimate moments, it’s not those I look forward to as much as it is just being around you. Laughing together, joking with each other— playfully arguing over who gets to keep our name because we’re too similar, or how we’re both too loud, or both seem to have too many things in common. 

It’s how much we laugh when we’re together that keeps me going, it’s that look of joy on your face when you’re able to relax.

Sometimes I look at pictures of other places, and in my mind, I wish I could take you to all of them— to the architectural wonders of Europe, to the winters of Russia, to the beaches of the Caribbean, to the big cities and the museums, to the little cities and nature. Cathedrals, pyramids, temples, beaches, aquariums, museums, zoos, I wish I could experience it all with you— because you make me deliriously happy.

I want to ask you if you’d go with me to the aquarium or a museum for your birthday, but I’m afraid you’d say “no” because you’d rather spend your birthday with others. 

How to compete with a memory, except by becoming a memory yourself?

The traces of time have not been kind, and in all reality, will remain as disproportionate as ever.

It all seems so plain, so trite. 

And yet nothing I do can reverse the stream of time that has led to this tragedy.

It seemed almost like a dream, and looking back on it, I’m not sure I didn’t just dream it up.

“It’s exactly how I pictured it”, you said, and I sat there, smiling like a fool.

I hope you slept well, though in all reality, I know you didn’t, but it was so good to have you over that I couldn’t care less that I didn’t sleep.

I am happy.

I can’t explain it— I honestly can’t even fathom the words to tell you how ecstatic, existed and nervous I felt when you said you were on your way over.

How simple, isn’t it? To make this foolish girl happy.

When you messaged me that you were outside, and were very, very cold, I expected to open the door to see no one there.

And there you were.

In that instant my mouth went dry, and all thoughts fled.

I couldn’t believe it— I had spent so long hoping, but it had finally  happened.

I wish my walls weren’t so thin, I wish we had had more time, I wish you could have slept in, I wish to god every night could have been like that.

I didn’t mean to make you feel like an object, if that’s what my actions made you feel like—- but it felt amazing to be in a place I considered my own with you there— and for whatever reason, I couldn’t keep my hands off you.

I crave something— something deeper and primitive than casual sex, but even I don’t know what it is.

Perhaps it’s attention, perhaps it’s your love.

Oh, but how I wish you didn’t tell me not to love you.

When you lay there in my arms and said “You love me too much”, I shouldn’t have replied with “yeaaaahhhhh”— because I know I do, and need not a reminder of it— but I keep wishing you’ll love me. 

I wish I could tell you how happy I awaken when you are next to me.

I wish I could tell you how happy I am when I feel safe next to you— when we drift off to sleep with stories and laughter, and when you take me in your arms.

But I could never tell you how much it pains me for you to leave, or to have to leave, not when I want nothing more than to be next to you, to see you smile and hear your laughter.

I’ve noticed the subtle changes in you— your tummy forming, the look of sheer exhaustion and exasperation in your eyes— but they only make me love you more for your faults, for your humanity, and for who I perceive you as. I love you for so many more reasons than I can list, and I can’t tell you how much it breaks me to think of your leaving.

I wish I could save you, I wish I was enough, I wish I could do anything that was enough to show you how I truly feel about you, to have you need me as much as I need you.

But for all of my effort, sometimes I feel like a stranger to you—- I know so much about you, but I often wonder how much you know about me.

I don’t know whether to assume you trust me, or don’t.

I don’t know what to think is happening between us.

God  help me, I find myself in a state of perpetual confusion— all because I’m too afraid to ask what we are.

But I’ll remain here, until you dispose of me— I’ll happily waste away in the efforts to make you happy, to give you all the love I always wanted, hoping that maybe someday you’ll think me enough— that someday you’ll love me the way I love you, that you’ll wake up wanting to see me and hold me.

There are so many things I wish—

I wish you didn’t care for me only on a whim.

I wish you wanted to stay with me.

I wish you needed me.

To some extent, I wish you would mark me as your own by giving it a title, anything, to give me a sense of stability.

I wish you would ask to stay.

I wish you would do the things you did for her for me.

I wish so much, and dream so high, but it’s always surprising how easily it is to shatter a dream.

I don’t know what to say.

I awoke this morning and felt wonderful— absolutely at peace, and exceedingly happy.

I was tired—- but only I could tell you how ecstatic I was that you were there with me.

I don’t recall falling asleep, but I recall the gentle hum of your breath as you lay under me— asleep, warm and perfect.

I’ve never had a significant Valentine’s day— and when you asked me, even jokingly, if I would be your valentine, I shouldn’t have started crying. 

That’s why I stay with you— because you have the potential to make me happier beyond belief— happier than I had thought was possible, and because you hide so well the wonders that make you.

I lay there in the dark last night while I waited for you to return— and I told myself you were leaving soon— and even then I didn’t care, I didn’t feel remorse or guilt at my actions.

She is right— when you love someone, it doesn’t matter if you have a day or a lifetime with them— it’s best to treasure the greatest gift they give you— themselves, and live contently. 

I wish I could capture your smile to light my life— the look on your face when you are excited or happy is the most wondrous thing to me.

I arrived and looked at you— always prim and proper in your perfectly white shirts, in your perfectly firm slacks and felt so child-like in my necklace, in my boots and in my skin. You remain to me a representation of a class and riches I was not born into and to which I will always be an outsider, but in those moments when the rest of the world is absent and there is nothing except us, it couldn’t matter less to me.

And every time, it’s like you know me so well— the way you pick me up as if I were nothing more than a doll, the way you kiss my forehead and smile at me— in those moments it’s as if the world stops and I can’t imagine there being anything except happiness anywhere. 

Neither of us are perfect, we’re both broken romantics, both lost in a heartless world. I continue to follow you because I continue to hope you are not beyond salvation—- that if shown enough love and affection, if you are shown that women are not all heartless and that others are willing to change you for, perhaps someday you will change. I hold no hope you will change for me— for no one ever has— but I hope someday, somewhere you are able to find true happiness. 

I arrived and when you held me I felt safe, and one by one, my worries melted away in your embrace. 

I wish there were words in my reach that I could use to describe the emotions I feel around you— that sense of absolute tranquility and peace, that sense of wonder at the world and the all-consuming happiness I feel.

I wish I could explain to you that I don’t want more or less sex from you; something about being around you, being with you even once and feeling you satisfies all of the cravings for intimacy I have. 

What frustrates me is my inability to convey my emotions— my inability to let you sense the happiness I feel, let you understand not to worry about whether or not I’m “falling for the wrong guy”— because despite everything that has happened, and what I know is coming, I still love you.

As I sat in bed last night I began to plan for the future— I know you will leave, and I know it is inevitable, but I will begin to write you a letter about all the reasons why I love you, about how I hope life will treat you well and how I hope you will succeed in everything you try.

PS: I’m sorry I said “Aww yeah, muffins” and spoiled the moment. It was worth it.

——

2/14/13

I can’t tell you how nervous I alway sam to arrive— are my footsteps too loud? Will your apartment mates hear me? have you changed your mind?

I can’t get that image of you— standing in the middle of the room, unbuttoning your grey sweater— that one which you wear so often and wear so well. And my tongue becomes lost and my mind stalls. 

But when we sit on the bed together, and you take me up in an embrace, I don’t think things could feel more right. 

And oh, how well you know me that you give me the choice— and are able to read the choice I will make before i am even asked the question.

Of course I would chose you first.

It was surreal almost— the television going in the background, the candles, the music. Bon Iver. And when I told you I loved you, and you muttered you loved me, even if it was a lie, and even if it was only for that night— it was absolutely wonderful. 

And the way you smiled at me was so pure and wondrous, so full of innocence and love, so much so that I began to cry without meaning to. It is in moments like that— the ones in which I feel so immeasurably close to you, in which nothing else seems to matter, and those in which I am happiest that I fear the future of losing that feeling.  

But I would do it all again, all for you.

And we goofed off like children, we ate pizza rolls and a hot dog, you jumped at the sight of fruit snacks, and we laughed and joked around, ate chocolate and candy and everything seemed perfect. Even you dozing off in my arms seemed perfect. And when your breathing became regular and you faded away into the world where dreams begin, when I muttered “I’ve found you” in your ear, I couldn’t have felt happier.

That night, as every night, I dreamt of you, but I awoke and felt happy to see you— happy to realize you were there. And when you wrapped your arms around me and kissed my forehead I curled into your warmth, happy, ignorant of the world.

I remember that realization.

When I first realized I still had a heart, and I still felt what I had told myself I had locked away.

That drive to see you, to be around you, and above all things to go against anything and do everything to make you happy, to make you feel safe and loved.

Because despite the horrible nightmares, the grim future and the small odds, I still love you.

And there it is, every night— that gut wrenching feeling of not having you near, and when I awaken that desperation to know if you slept well, or if you slept at all. There lies that energy that remains contained— that force with which I wish I could shelter you from the world and its injustices, from its evils and cold realities. The hope in which I so desperately want for you to be happy, to smile more and learn to love yourself as I love you, to see yourself for all the wonders you have shown me. 

I spend my days wishing and hoping, willing my dreams into existence, wishing you were happy, wishing you came back to me.

And though you do not love me, and never will, my love for you has become entwined in who I am, and nothing you say has been able to change that. 

Perhaps they are right— and I see too much good in others, but it is this that has kept me going, it is this that has kept me afloat through the darkness of the world, and it is the only thing that makes me who I am. 

Perhaps I love to easily, or too much, perhaps I forgive the unforgivable, and perhaps I blind myself in my delusions and hopes, but even if I could I would not change me. 

And there are those three little words, minute, simplistic and almost horridly plain that serve to capture an emotion that has powered man’s imagination, that has served as a beacon of man’s life and that has become the greatest treasure man could find. Those three words I must write, for I cannot bear to burden you with them, the three words that capture the essence of my emotions— blasted, cursed chemicals that dictate my behavior. It is these three words which I someday hope you are able to awaken inside of you again. 

I love you. 

I wish I could let it go.

I wish hearing you say my name, feeling you so close and sensing your heartbeat under mine wasn’t enough to make me throw all logic out the window. 

Yet for all of the fear it has brought me, I would change none of it.

When you asked me how I felt about you, all I could say was,

“te amo”

and when you asked why, all I had to say was 

“te necessito”

And hearing you say “I need you too, more than you’ll ever know” made me smile and melted the ice I had coated my heart in. I threw my arms around you and buried myself in your chest, and desperately wished our lives had been different. 

Perhaps nothing changed, perhaps everything changed, I fear it is not for me to decide. You know I would throw all of my progress to the dirt for you, for a chance to make you happy and for a chance to stay with you. 

There was so much desperation, and so much kindness behind your actions and words that I forgot every bad thing that had happened.

“I shouldn’t do this to you, I shouldn’t sleep with you, I don’t want to hurt you”

“How?”

“Last quarter you were depressed, because of me”

How could I ever hate you, how could I ever despise the person who has taught me that as futile and as foolish as love can be, it is still the most wondrous of all human emotions? 

Oh my dear Rhett— that anxiety in your voice, in your person and in your soul— I wish I could carry it upon myself so that you would not have to. I wish you would cease to worry about the future and allow for us to enjoy our time.

I wish you would not ask me why I love you so— why that smile of yours is enough to make me forget all of the past and throw myself into the present with such absent-minded hope, or why your embraces make me beg time to stand still— to afford me one more second with you. I wish the sun had never risen, that I could have lost my consciousness and being in the dark where dreams arise and take form— where the world makes sense and where time stands still— with you. I wish you would not ask me— for all the syllables in the world cannot express what the heart feels.

I am nothing more than a foolish child, hopeful, as ever, that time will change you, that the stories are all true and that we all have a happy ending— and I as I sit and plead with life to let me have this dream, I realize in growing desperation its futility. 

“I wish you had met me at another time in my life”, you said, and I wished time would regress, that I may have had a chance. I wanted  to cry— because you are the only person I have had so much fun with, the only one I have fought so hard for, and the only one I found myself in. If anyone had asked me, I would have thought life was just enough to let you keep the one you find, but I realize perhaps it was never meant to be. We broke some innate law of nature by coming together— two broken children, lost in the dark, comforting each other— and so it must be that we are ripped apart.

And I cried when you insisted you were bad for me— because I lack the words to tell you how I feel when I see you, the joy I encounter when you’re near, and because despite how wonderful and all-consuming this feeling is to me, it remains trapped inside of my being. I wish I had not cried, that I had been strong enough or intelligent enough to find the words to convey my heart’s emotions— to show you a piece of the feeling I carry with me everyday.

I wish I did not make you so sad, I wish I did not cause you so much distress—- I wish when I am overly honest and tell you how much I miss you or how much I love you that it did not cause you guilt. And as much as I know I should bury those emotions or attempt to discard them, the words find a way to slip past my lips and reach out to you, hopeful that someday you’ll miss me too. 

I know time will tear you away from me— nothing so wondrous in my life has lasted very long, and I fear  this time may be no different, but the words are all right, and I should appreciate and value what it is I am given for a time being. 

I love you, sweetheart, despite everything and because of everything that has transpired in my life since you entered it. I love you with a will that transpires my need to be myself— I love you with all of the purity in me, the selfishness, the greed, the lust, the helplessness, the energy in me, and everything that constitutes who I am.

I shall never replace her— I shall never compare to her beauty or charms— her traits that made her unforgettable in your eyes— and I hope to not be an extension or a vision of her, for as much as I pity her, some dark side of me resents her for stealing away what I want more than anything else in the world. 

But in my mind, she could not matter less, not when I have all of you to myself— when we are laughing or simply watching television together— when the world finds a balance in which I can shed my fears and in which I can become myself. 

I often wonder how you see me— do I seem as frail to you as your words make me seem? Why do you feel you must protect me so— what makes me different from the myriads of other women you have been with, that you feel you must worry about protecting my heart and not theirs?

I would give anything that I could re-open your eyes to the wonders of the world, but I should not force you into a place you do not wish to be— regardless of how I think it would do you good. 

I hope when we are apart, when we no longer see each other, and when time has run its full circle— that you remember me for what I am: the girl who loves you, and who wants nothing more than to see you happy. 

The boy with the sad eyes— those eyes that beg for attention, that plead with reason to love him. Like a lost, helpless puppy, begging for the love he has been denied so long. The boy who smiles and laughs, who jests and prods and pokes. The boy who read her the comics, the boy who saw her cry. The boy who stood by her as she went into hysterics over a worthless man, the boy who stood with her as she mindlessly recounted her days. The boy who gave her his warmth in the dead of winter, and his attentions in summer. The boy who caused her more heartache than she thought possible, the one who taught her no one is beyond redemption. Her friend, and her hopes; in countless ways, he is her. Her savior and her destruction, frail as a leaf that is carried by a storm, and insurmountably strong. At once, everything she ever looked for, and everything she was afraid of. 

I shall store away my memories of you— lock them up somewhere inside my heart so that when the inevitable happens I can open them up and seek comfort in you like I so often have. Perhaps I have never truly loved you, and perhaps I have always loved you; perhaps I will forget you, but in all likelihood, I will never let you go. 

“In the end, she was not a princess and he was not an irredemable villain, they were only ever people